Tuesday June 01, 2004: not for jade or for diamonds
For the last few days, my moods have been swinging like a wrecking ball, flattening everything in their path. I have gone from rage to overwhelming sadness back to rage and then into a sudden burst of guilt and then an appreciation of how wonderful my life is, all in the space of an hour.
This is PMS. This sucks.
Fortunately, I've mostly managed to keep my swings from affecting anyone but me. I've even been out and social, and I don't think anyone's really noticed, which is good. But it's not only disconcerting to go from zero to bitch and back within such a short period of time, it's pretty uncomfortable. I am taking it out on my poor characters, I am afraid.
Writing fiction is interesting in ways I'd forgotten. Unlike poetry, where I'm trying to pin down moments like butterflies to the page, in fiction I'm setting things in motion, watching them happen, and writing down the aftermath. All of my characters live up inside my head, and they all run when they see me coming now, because whenever I take them out and give them a push, their lives start to suck.
I've still got one who is whispering her stories into my ear, so i'm writing things down as she tells them to me. The rest are due for some more development this week, as the one who's doing the whispering is going to be put aside for a week or so, now.
I never love my characters until I hurt them. I have this demented sadist thing going on where I hand them things that look an awful lot like heartbreak, crushing defeat, and grievous bodily harm, and sit back and watch them try to cope. I give Marcus a wife and then kill her ten paragraphs after she's introduced. I give Armand a best friend who goes evil and an irresistible attraction to women who are at least half goddess, Aru a mistake that costs him basically his entire life, Galvin a borderline streak a mile wide, Nikodemus a deep love for a person incapable of loving anyone but herself, and Metis an overbearing mother and a lover who can't decide which side he's on. (Though, the Aru thing wasn't my doing, that was Storm. Actually, many of the tribulations above were originally Storm's. Still!)
And then I expect them to at least attempt to save the world. Poor things.
It's my first question when a character wanders into my head. Where is your pain? What has hurt you in the past? What will hurt you in the future? It's only after I find out where they hurt that they begin to become real to me.
They stand in the wreckage of the world and fight for what little's left; some space, some time, a little peace of mind. Their gods are simultaneously too distant and too much with them, and they are given too much responsibility and too little time in order to learn how to handle it.
Their lives are messy, they make mistakes, they have secret desires and they sometimes sneak off and do things out of my sight.
It's less writing and more herding cats. And it's great fun. I'm enjoying myself tremendously.
Ooops, it's been something like a month since i last updated. Let's see if I can sum up.
Good things: writing
See above. I'm actually actively working on two novels as well as doing recaps/background for my current gaming campaign.
I am a geek. But a happy geek.
Good things: love
Still in love, still amazingly happy, I'm sure you've heard this all before and are dying for me to move on and get some good angst to chew on.
Alas, doesn't look like it's going to happen any time soon. Good for me, bad for the quality of personal writing I've been doing.
Bryan and Laura and I have been kicking around the idea of eventually buying a house together. All around, this has been recognized as a Good Idea, and one that I, personally, am pretty happy about. (Hell has officially frozen over, kids. Wow.) It's not going to happen any time soon, as far as we know, and there are a couple of pretty significant practical considerations to think about, including the fact that I have a cat whose response to new cats is to destroy everything she can get her little claws on. She becomes the Whirlwind of Hate, and also the Fountain of Piss. I tolerated it for the year it took her to get used to the small, adorable, and utterly harmless kitten, but I am *not* willing to do so again. I may have to rehome her, but I haven't decided quite yet. Much depends on the new space. It's one of those "wait and see" things.
But, yes, I've gotten to the point where not only am I seriously considering living with not only one but two other people, I'm looking forward to doing so. I think, of all the people in the world, I could live best with these two.
And in other relationship news, things with Graham continue to progress and be all peachy-keen and other good stuff. He and I pretty much get along like a house afire. We're both fascinated with how the other works, and he occasionally gives me wine and lets me run my mouth about linguistics. I mean, really, how cool is that? He makes me happy, and I seem to make him happy, and pretty much all is well there.
Laura said the other day, "You know, I think Graham's the happiest I've seen him since I've known him, and he seems to have become a bit more social. You're good for him, I think."
It's kind of a nice feeling, knowing that other people notice. Fuzzy fluffy happy warmness, all around.
Also: perhaps the most adorable picture ever taken of me and Laura. (Courtesy Ray and his nifty new camera.) Sometimes, a picture says so very much.
Bad things: spammers
Spammers keep on sending me emails with subject lines implying that women laugh at me because of my small penis.
First, my penises have been laughed at, but only because the thigh harness is absolutely the silliest-looking thing I have *ever* done in the pursuit of pleasure. (Looks silly. Works like a champ. RAR.) Second, if I really needed a larger penis, I could nip down to Toys in Babeland and buy one.
I mean, really. If you want to play on my insecurities, send me email telling me that I'm too clumsy to own such a cool laptop, because I am going to fall down and break it someday soon. I'm not sure what you could *sell* me with that information, but it would certainly make me insecure.
Good things: pictures
Bryan is a brilliant geek, and because of both halves of this statement, he was able to get PHPix working on my machine. And I finally managed to do my first portrait session of the summer, featuring the lovely Heather. Black and white adores the shape of her head, worships it, really.
I have another session scheduled for Wednesday, and one for this Saturday. I love getting in all this practice with my camera, and learning things about both semi-studio work and outdoor work that I can't really put into words.
I am eternally grateful to Bryan for getting PHPix running for me, because it's going to make displaying my pictures so much easier.
Good things: music
I went to see Carbon Leaf and Great Big Sea a couple of weeks ago, and it was probably some of the most fun I've ever had at a concert. Bless Canada for sending us these guys. They put on an amazing show and next time they're in town, I am dragging everyone I know to see them. These guys are so obviously amazed that they're getting paid to go on stage and make music and take beer breaks, and their enjoyment is infectuous.
Also. Alan Doyle, one of the lead singers? Sex on a stick. I'm fairly certian posession of stage presence/charisma in those amounts is illegal in all 50 states. The guy is a rock star disguised as a Celtic folk rock musician.
Sunnie and I were eyeing him with lust in our hearts, and I *never* lust after musicians like that. Yow. I am such a sucker for charisma.
Good things: glasses! New clothes!
I've made a couple of purchases lately. The most major ones were glasses for myself, because I can no longer read street signs from three block away and this grieved me tremendously.
So now, when I'm wearing them, I can now see way off into the distance, which makes me happy.
Plus: Sexiest. Glasses. Ever. See?
I and Graham happened upon a sale at the Wilson's outlet, which ended in me buying a new leather coat for 40% off (one that I've been eyeing for the last year) and a new bag that fits both my laptop and the rest of my purse stuff, without being obnoxiously large. And I got a pair of $10 jeans that fit like a charm.
Life is good.
Good things: travel
Bryan and Laura and I went to Portland for a long weekend last month. We hung out in the city, went to Powell's, ate extremely yummy dessert, and just enjoyed each others' company. Laura made the hotel reservations, large on the strength of the hotel having wireless Net access, which meant that we also got to geek. I was inordinately amused by this.
I also went to Ocean Shores with Graham recently, and we came back with many pictures. Mine are here.
So, really, I've been busy and happy, aside from hormone-induced mood swings. And summer is almost here, and it's hiking season, and there are strawberries and cherries now.
And long late evenings, bright mornings, and useful work, and hot tubs at the end of the day.
Wouldn't trade it for anything.
This is PMS. This sucks.
Fortunately, I've mostly managed to keep my swings from affecting anyone but me. I've even been out and social, and I don't think anyone's really noticed, which is good. But it's not only disconcerting to go from zero to bitch and back within such a short period of time, it's pretty uncomfortable. I am taking it out on my poor characters, I am afraid.
Writing fiction is interesting in ways I'd forgotten. Unlike poetry, where I'm trying to pin down moments like butterflies to the page, in fiction I'm setting things in motion, watching them happen, and writing down the aftermath. All of my characters live up inside my head, and they all run when they see me coming now, because whenever I take them out and give them a push, their lives start to suck.
I've still got one who is whispering her stories into my ear, so i'm writing things down as she tells them to me. The rest are due for some more development this week, as the one who's doing the whispering is going to be put aside for a week or so, now.
I never love my characters until I hurt them. I have this demented sadist thing going on where I hand them things that look an awful lot like heartbreak, crushing defeat, and grievous bodily harm, and sit back and watch them try to cope. I give Marcus a wife and then kill her ten paragraphs after she's introduced. I give Armand a best friend who goes evil and an irresistible attraction to women who are at least half goddess, Aru a mistake that costs him basically his entire life, Galvin a borderline streak a mile wide, Nikodemus a deep love for a person incapable of loving anyone but herself, and Metis an overbearing mother and a lover who can't decide which side he's on. (Though, the Aru thing wasn't my doing, that was Storm. Actually, many of the tribulations above were originally Storm's. Still!)
And then I expect them to at least attempt to save the world. Poor things.
It's my first question when a character wanders into my head. Where is your pain? What has hurt you in the past? What will hurt you in the future? It's only after I find out where they hurt that they begin to become real to me.
They stand in the wreckage of the world and fight for what little's left; some space, some time, a little peace of mind. Their gods are simultaneously too distant and too much with them, and they are given too much responsibility and too little time in order to learn how to handle it.
Their lives are messy, they make mistakes, they have secret desires and they sometimes sneak off and do things out of my sight.
It's less writing and more herding cats. And it's great fun. I'm enjoying myself tremendously.
Ooops, it's been something like a month since i last updated. Let's see if I can sum up.
Good things: writing
See above. I'm actually actively working on two novels as well as doing recaps/background for my current gaming campaign.
I am a geek. But a happy geek.
Good things: love
Still in love, still amazingly happy, I'm sure you've heard this all before and are dying for me to move on and get some good angst to chew on.
Alas, doesn't look like it's going to happen any time soon. Good for me, bad for the quality of personal writing I've been doing.
Bryan and Laura and I have been kicking around the idea of eventually buying a house together. All around, this has been recognized as a Good Idea, and one that I, personally, am pretty happy about. (Hell has officially frozen over, kids. Wow.) It's not going to happen any time soon, as far as we know, and there are a couple of pretty significant practical considerations to think about, including the fact that I have a cat whose response to new cats is to destroy everything she can get her little claws on. She becomes the Whirlwind of Hate, and also the Fountain of Piss. I tolerated it for the year it took her to get used to the small, adorable, and utterly harmless kitten, but I am *not* willing to do so again. I may have to rehome her, but I haven't decided quite yet. Much depends on the new space. It's one of those "wait and see" things.
But, yes, I've gotten to the point where not only am I seriously considering living with not only one but two other people, I'm looking forward to doing so. I think, of all the people in the world, I could live best with these two.
And in other relationship news, things with Graham continue to progress and be all peachy-keen and other good stuff. He and I pretty much get along like a house afire. We're both fascinated with how the other works, and he occasionally gives me wine and lets me run my mouth about linguistics. I mean, really, how cool is that? He makes me happy, and I seem to make him happy, and pretty much all is well there.
Laura said the other day, "You know, I think Graham's the happiest I've seen him since I've known him, and he seems to have become a bit more social. You're good for him, I think."
It's kind of a nice feeling, knowing that other people notice. Fuzzy fluffy happy warmness, all around.
Also: perhaps the most adorable picture ever taken of me and Laura. (Courtesy Ray and his nifty new camera.) Sometimes, a picture says so very much.
Bad things: spammers
Spammers keep on sending me emails with subject lines implying that women laugh at me because of my small penis.
First, my penises have been laughed at, but only because the thigh harness is absolutely the silliest-looking thing I have *ever* done in the pursuit of pleasure. (Looks silly. Works like a champ. RAR.) Second, if I really needed a larger penis, I could nip down to Toys in Babeland and buy one.
I mean, really. If you want to play on my insecurities, send me email telling me that I'm too clumsy to own such a cool laptop, because I am going to fall down and break it someday soon. I'm not sure what you could *sell* me with that information, but it would certainly make me insecure.
Good things: pictures
Bryan is a brilliant geek, and because of both halves of this statement, he was able to get PHPix working on my machine. And I finally managed to do my first portrait session of the summer, featuring the lovely Heather. Black and white adores the shape of her head, worships it, really.
I have another session scheduled for Wednesday, and one for this Saturday. I love getting in all this practice with my camera, and learning things about both semi-studio work and outdoor work that I can't really put into words.
I am eternally grateful to Bryan for getting PHPix running for me, because it's going to make displaying my pictures so much easier.
Good things: music
I went to see Carbon Leaf and Great Big Sea a couple of weeks ago, and it was probably some of the most fun I've ever had at a concert. Bless Canada for sending us these guys. They put on an amazing show and next time they're in town, I am dragging everyone I know to see them. These guys are so obviously amazed that they're getting paid to go on stage and make music and take beer breaks, and their enjoyment is infectuous.
Also. Alan Doyle, one of the lead singers? Sex on a stick. I'm fairly certian posession of stage presence/charisma in those amounts is illegal in all 50 states. The guy is a rock star disguised as a Celtic folk rock musician.
Sunnie and I were eyeing him with lust in our hearts, and I *never* lust after musicians like that. Yow. I am such a sucker for charisma.
Good things: glasses! New clothes!
I've made a couple of purchases lately. The most major ones were glasses for myself, because I can no longer read street signs from three block away and this grieved me tremendously.
So now, when I'm wearing them, I can now see way off into the distance, which makes me happy.
Plus: Sexiest. Glasses. Ever. See?
I and Graham happened upon a sale at the Wilson's outlet, which ended in me buying a new leather coat for 40% off (one that I've been eyeing for the last year) and a new bag that fits both my laptop and the rest of my purse stuff, without being obnoxiously large. And I got a pair of $10 jeans that fit like a charm.
Life is good.
Good things: travel
Bryan and Laura and I went to Portland for a long weekend last month. We hung out in the city, went to Powell's, ate extremely yummy dessert, and just enjoyed each others' company. Laura made the hotel reservations, large on the strength of the hotel having wireless Net access, which meant that we also got to geek. I was inordinately amused by this.
I also went to Ocean Shores with Graham recently, and we came back with many pictures. Mine are here.
So, really, I've been busy and happy, aside from hormone-induced mood swings. And summer is almost here, and it's hiking season, and there are strawberries and cherries now.
And long late evenings, bright mornings, and useful work, and hot tubs at the end of the day.
Wouldn't trade it for anything.
