| October 16th; I'm still in love with Isabeau | |
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Jay keeps on asking me HTML questions this morning. i am the queeeen, i am, I am! I'm also peeing a lot because I've gone back to drinking a couple of liters of water a day because water is Good For you and I'm getting back into my body and taking care of my body. i'm not quite ready yet to make the leap back into exercising and the whole low-carb high-protein diet thing (I'm what they call carbohydrate intolerant. Has something to do with my predisposition to diabetes. Means that when i'm taking care of myself I'll eat lots of salad and veggies and meat, but only about 30-60 grams of carbohydrates a day. Which is only a little bit. Check a nutrition label on a bag of potato chips and sometime and ponder how many days' worth of carbohydrates that is for me.) I'm wearing my Shield of Fianna this morning and my hair is up in a french-roll kind of thingie. I look very swank. Last night I wrote up something that'll go on dreaming of darker things about how Shannon and doug saved me back when I was really crazy. And they didn't really do anything except hold a very deep belief that I was okay underneath it all and that I really am capable of being loved. Have I mentioned yet that I love these guys? i want I want I want to get on ICQ but I think that would mean i'd never get any work done at all. maybe I'll set it up at home when we get the Kozy Komputer Korner done (needed: another desk, maybe another chair, a mirror or a whiteboard, shelves, and a new apartment. maybe another computer) and I'm geeking in the evenings as well as during the day. we do need a bigger apartment, though. Or two seperate apartments. I dunno. i'm adjusting to the idea of shannon moving closer to where he works. (Hear that, shannon? i'm adjusting! I TOLD you that my freakout about the notion was temporary!) So I think we may be chatting about that sometime soon. Bad thing about it would be that I'd have to pay all of my rent all by myself, but I can do that. and I'd have to buy my own pots. And Meg mailed me. she lurves me! *beams* And she says she like my todays, which is cool. Here's a little something I wrote this morning for dreaming:
Kris Stavia Anne Falcon Millering i'Magdalen I have a lot of names. not all of them are quite mine, really, some of them slip out and away from me and come back to haunt me later, because the names are disembodied me's and that's always a little bit creepy. But anyway. We are Kris. i am Stavia. My twin is Anne. Together we are Falcon. In body we are Millering. The collective is Magdalen, so we are i'Magdalen (of Magdalen). Of course, there are the other names, Martin Silenus (when I want to be a boy), Glass Falcon (my BBS persona), Compass Rose (another BBS persona, mostly abandoned), and, um, some others. None of them really have anything in common except the fact that they all, eventually, point to the same girl in the same body, the same collection of walking neuroses and joys that is me, myself, and I. (and, occasionally, we.) so what is the deal with names? Every time I take a new name I seem to reinvent myself a little bit more, every time I leave a name behind a leave behind a part of myself that may or may not be relevant. I have this obsessive urge to name things, and I'm the closest target. Each name is a little pronouncement to the world, "this is who i am and you can't take this away from me." But there are also secret names that I don't tell anyone, magickal names, names of power. And then there are the loving perjoratives, the names that I never took for myself but have followed me anyway. Like "bitch" which means I stepped on a few toes too many. Names are what hold me to this reality. They are something to hang myself off of, to fit myself into, to jump off from. they are a shot to the universe that i exist. The universe doesn't care, but I do, and because I care the the universe knows i exist, because I'm a collection of shining fragments, because I am defiant and cool and eccentric and crazy, I have many names. "But then i never had to worry about a crash landing, because I never even took off."
Sounds: Ladyhawke Original Motion Picture Soundtrack Words: Prozac Nation, Elizabeth Wurtzel; About Face, Cooper
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Uploaded 11 AM.