Yesterdays...

October 31st; eeny meeny Halloweeny

Yay Halloween. My favorite holiday of the year, except for Beltane, which is fun only if I have someone who wants to run outside and fuck in the fields with me. I'm wearing a gypsy costume and looking very cute. Misha gave me a ride to work, since she rented a car for the weekend. I've got bunches of stuff to do today, oh my. Must get started. Elly wrote about cemeteries yesterday, which reminded me of my favorite cemetery in the whole world, the Oakridge cemetery in Iowa City. The Black Angel is there, and once upon a time I went there with Laura right after it snowed. It was beautiful. full moon, tombstones, the big black statue of an angel, the mausoleums. We almost got caught by the cops, but it was still fun. I was wearing my big purple coat. It always got kind of stiff when it was cold out. It was a pretty loud coat. I think I stashed it behind some grave and ran around without it for a while. I think that was sometime around the time of the New Year's party that Angela finally told me she was straight. Um. not much going on this morning. going to Meg's party over on the Eastside this evening. And I really want to start running gaming, but i can't find anyone who works real hours and doesn't have to come all the way over from the Eastside to game. Wah. "Hello" is an anthem to baseless electronic madness. Ohyeah. I'm pondering taking the emails that Trav wrote me and I wrote Trav and removing names and posting it on the Web. I'm also thinking this would be a Bad Idea. But I really want to do it. i mean, it would be so delicious.....but. but. I probably won't. today, I've been thinking about honesty and how, even though I do reveal a lot of myself on these pages, I never reveal quite everything. Part of that is because there are people who would get upset if the complete and unvarnished truth were to be published here. Partially because, frankly, I don't want everything up here. Not yet. i'm still holding myself a bit in reserve. and what fun is it if the people who know you don't have to work to get to know you better? and partially it's because i like secrecy. Really. secrecy makes me happy. It always has. some of my happiest memories were of hiding behind the wysteria at the house I grew up in and just watching the people on the street go by...and my secret playing places down in the flood-control creek that ran behind the house. It's weird to realize I spent most of my childhood alone. It's almost time for the work Halloween party and I actually just finished everything I needed to finish. I've also been reading Maggy's site off and on all day and I wish I had the courage to write her, because anyone who has the guts to identify as a lesbian and admit that she falls for men has a really high amount of respect in my eyes. Because, well, it's hard to do that. I mean, I've been doing it. i'm still doing it. but Shannon doesn't really understand it, and my fractured state makes it so hard to be consistent from day to day about how I feel about him. Yeah. It's been a long time since my life really made sense to me. Actually, i can pinpoint the moment when it stopped making sense after it made sense for a while. it was probably a year and a half ago, I was still enraged at Trav, and i'd just been dumped by a pretty red-haired girl. after that, i don't think much of anything made sense. i've been kind of floundering along since then. Of course, for a while before that, i'd been crazy, and I was just coming out of what probably was my worst breakdown yet, but it made sense to me. i mean, yeah, being crazy kind of sucks, but depression, at least, has its own internal logic. I've just been sort of wandering around doing things kind of half-assed ever since. And even though i've been told that it's all right to do things half-assed, it's not. not for me. Just taking up space isn't enough. I need to have goals, to shine. So, this is me realizing I don't have very much of a direction. Sad. Very sad. But it's Halloween, so i'm not allowed to be depressed. Time to party! "Word has it on the wire That you don't know exactly who you are Well if you could jack into my brain You'd know exactly what you mean in here Mothers are trails on stars in the night Fathers are black holes that suck up the light That's the memory I filed on the fringe Along with the memory of the pain you lived in Hello"   Sounds: Poe, Hello Words: I'm Eve by Chris Costner (the real story of the woman featured in "The Three Faces of Eve")

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