| November 25th; can I have a souvenir? | |
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Current thing on my mind is wrestling with a Big Something. Y'see, what I was talking about yesterday when I said that we all have to grow up sometime and give up our fairy tales was about this. This Big Something.
Before that, this is a personal message to Chris' therapist: he isn't gay. Trust me. I know. I may be sexually ambiguous and confused, but he definitely likes girls, for sure. So. the Big something. The Big Something is basically the fact that I've always dreamed about getting married to a girl. I've always dreamed of doing the fun things that people do when they're in love. Even though I'm not a romantic, I like romance. For goodness' sake, I like long walks on the beach and sitting on park benches. But it looks like I'm going to be with Shannon for a long time. Maybe the rest of my life, i don't know. And i'm never going to be married. i'm never going to be able to have that. I'll never have a relationship that's anything more than pragmatic. And, you know, the thought hurts. It was always a thought of mine, that maybe something better was just up ahead, that if I held my breath and waited just one more day things might change. But they're not going to. So to be happy where I am I have to give up the dream of something better. Which doesn't make a lot of sense. But I want, badly, to be happy where i am. So I give up that dream. I give up any hope of being able to ever call myself a lesbian ever again. I give up the idea of rallies, of support groups, of queer theory. I put away my books and my necklaces. I give up my right to be in an easily identifiable sexual orientation. I have to forget. I have to give up what's been defining my life for the past several years. I have to pretend to be normal. I have to give up hope. I don't want to. But I have to. Call it a cauterization of a need that has done nothing but hurt for the past year.
"Wait a minute
Sounds: Pretty and Twisted, self-titled Words: David Brin, Earth
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