| January 13th; this fine rage | |
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Sounds:
Ani DiFranco, Dilate Words: Tim Powers, The Anubis Gates
it's gonna be sudden, it's gonna be strange
one of the days you're gonna push too hard
some people wear their smile like a disguise
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It's Ryan's birthday today! She's 19. Happy birthday, Ryan!
It's been an extremely busy five days. Work has been really busy, and it looks like the next couple of weeks will be even busier. i need to start arriving earlier, which means I need to start going to bed earlier, probably. I got mad at Jay the day before yesterday. He made the error of attacking Shannon instead of me, and instead of giving in like I always do, i got mad and pushed back instead. It was the first time I'd ever managed to get mad without turning it against myself as guilt and shame and self-destructive urges. It was glorious. (and he deserved it, too. He's been an emotional bully to me for four years now, and I think it's more than time I decided not to play by his rules any more.) The column for the new zine continues apace. i'll finish up the revisions today and get it back to Eloise tonight. It ought to be up sometime this week, if all goes well, and then i'll actually be able to get my assistant editors into the process somehow. Abbe is visiting for a while starting tonight. I'm feeling iffy about it. i don't know her and I don't like her online persona, but I may well like the real person behind the silly and petty online persona. It complicates things that she'll be scening with Shannon, but i'll probably just cope by not going home except to sleep. I have to learn how to deal with this, as i'm certain it'll happen again. (I'll probably be able to handle it better once i have a sex life again, I think. But right now, with any potential partners either heavily involved with other people or several states away, I am feeling severely neglected.) In good news, I think i've glimpsed the light at the end of the tunnel of this depression. I'm finally able to encompass my own pain and keep it from bleeding over into the things that need to get done, and I had a good long talk with Shannon last night about how I was feeling about things. He really is a sweetheart, when I work with him instead of doing stuff without him. It might be a lot harder to work with him, but for the moment it's worth it. I think I have hope again that one of these days i'll be able to feel that there are good things in life, and feel loved. I think having the new place has helped with this a lot, and it's really important that I get my room in order, because having my living space in order will help with feeling confident and grounded. I was thinking about my reluctance to share my feelings with the people who are close to me. I think a lot of it is that how I feel will change from moment to moment, and I will often not remember what i've said about how I feel. i've been the target of too many storms of anger because what I said one day was not the same as what i said the day before. After a while, the easiest thing is just not to say anything, because putting it in words seems to be a kind of commitment. And, frankly, i value peace in my life far too much to deliberately start everyday fights. It's a sore point between shannon and I, a lot of the time: I prefer large blowups and long periods of quiet, while he prefers getting little conflicts out of the way before they become big conflicts. I think part of this for me is the fact that a lot of the time, with the small conflicts, there isn't the sense of closure that there is with the big ones. With big fights, I can fight, get stuff resolved, feel good about resolution, and kiss and make up with the other person. I think the kissing and making up part is the most important thing, really.
Musings on getting in touch with my inner bitch: You see, groups of women tend to organize themselves on an unspoken hierarchy of social dominance. There are people who are naturally alphas (who have a tendency to want to lead a group, and be "top bitch"), and people who are naturally betas (who either tend to be followers or else simply have no interest in the hierarchy of social dominance). In every group of women there is the lead alpha, who is the instigator of many of the things the group does, and who the rest look to to lead. If there is more than one alpha in the group, there will either be a constant struggle for dominance, if the alphas don't cooperate, or one alpha will be the lead, and the rest will be her lieutenants. The position of lead alpha can be passed around, depending on the situation and the moods of the alphas. The relationships between alphas and betas are no less complex, as the unspoken compact decrees that there be a complex series of interactions between alphas and betas to make sure that everyone in the group is happy. However, there is not nearly the kind of posturing that alphas do among themselves. So when two strange women meet, particularly in situations that are uncomfortable for both parties, there are a complex series of evaluations going on. The first priority is to determine if there is going to be an alpha conflict. This is determined almost entirely by body language, eye contact, and tone of voice. The second priority, if there is an alpha conflict, is to determine if both alphas are willing to cooperate with each other. If this fails, then there is a full-blown alpha conflict, one that may take a long time to resolve. This is particularly evident when there is territory involved--if one alpha is an interloper on another's space (physical or emotional), or if two hostile alphas are forced to share space. So, I, as an alpha, am being confronted with another woman whose status is unknown. And, frankly, i'm not feeling terribly cooperative, because she'll be in my house and on my territory. She and I don't talk over the net; i'm not really interested in talking to her, and she has only ever contacted me once. Luckily for me, most women, even alphas, are well aware of territory. It generally isn't worth enraging someone on her turf, unless you think you have something significant to gain.
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