| February 11th; alive in the machine, part two | |
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I wrote alive in the machine early this morning when i was trying to figure out how I feel now about stuff.
The past three or four days have been one long fight, it seems. Shannon and I talk, discuss, argue, we both get our feelings mollified, and then i sleep on it and my subconscious comes up with yet another reason to be scared of him being with Abbe. Frankly, i'm tired of it, and I know Shannon is. I think that I've finally got everything out, though. I'm not going to be precisely happy about it, but i'll stop being mean to Abbe and I'll probably stop freaking out. My only real concern here is that, well, Shannon has someone and I don't. On the face of it, this isn't that bad, but it goes a bit deeper than that. See, this is the second time that shannon has taken advantage of our agreement of relationship openness to have an actual relationship with someone else. Now, this wouldn't bother me, except that in that same period of time I have had...nothing. Zip. Zilch. Nada. The big zero. In fact, while Shannon was involved in the first of the two relationships I'm thinking about, I tried to have a casual something or other with a friend of mine (who, yes, happened to be male). Shannon didn't veto, but he put such restrictive boundaries on the relationship that he might as well have. When Melanie and I were in the stage of crush on each other, the situation was so weird and fucked up and there wasn't time enough to satisfy either Shannon or Melanie. I was visiting Iowa, and Shannon (understandably) didn't want me to spend all of my time with her. If fate is trying to remind me i'm unattractive, it's doing a good job. Now, me having relationships with people other than Shannon is a difficult proposition. for one, i'm looking for a queer girl, preferably a lesbian. (The lesbian bit is because, for once, i'd like to have a relationship with a girl where I didn't become incidental to her relationship with my boyfriend.) She needs to be either relatively unattached or else free on the nights that Shannon won't be home. She needs to be up to my standards--that is, she needs to be very intelligent, sort of crazy, attractive in a pre-Raphaelite way, and able to think for herself. She needs to be a bottom and enthusiastic about BDSM. She has to be okay with the fact that the most important person n my life and the person who will always come first is Shannon, and be prepared for the fact that I may, on occasion, abandon her to be with him. And, finally, she needs to live local to Seattle. Do you have ANY idea how hard this is to do? i'm probably going to end up doing what shannon did and importing someone from the midwest, especially since I have a really hard time meeting people local to me, these days. Being hard of hearing will do that to you. I always want to meet people via text before meeting them in real life, because it eases the beginning portion of being friends with someone in real life for me--learning how their mouth movements correspond to what they're saying, etc. But my most likely prospects are six months to a year out. So, say, if either of them pans out, it'll be at least eight months till i have an established outside relationship, and possibly a year or two. Add this to the fact that i've been waiting since about March of last year to have an outside relationship, and you've got a Kris who has already been very patient and will have to be patient for a long, long time still. I mean, I'm not exactly classically attractive, either. If I hung around and waited for women to be attracted to me, i'd have never slept with any women at all. And, well, queer girls (particularly lesbians) are well noted for avoiding girls who have boyfriends like the plague. I don't know. Frankly, I think that for an arrangement that is supposedly mostly to benefit me, I've rather neatly avoided getting any benefit from it whatsoever. Of course, Shannon also has more friends and a busier social life than i do, as well. The people who come visit Madstop pretty much come to visit him, and only see me because, well, i live there. I've managed to lose almost all of the friends I had pre-Shannon due to one thing or another, and for the most part my friends consist of a handful of people online and a few people in real life who I never see. Depressing? Hell, yeah. Unfair? Probably not. I mean, it isn't Shannon's fault that i'm an acquired taste. And our agreement doesn't specify that we both have to be in outside relationships at the same time. And, who knows? Tomorrow, i might get a piece of email from some girl who meets all of my expectations who has a crush on me and wants to meet me for coffee. I won't hold my breath, though. ____________________ Ryan's going to be here in about a week, and that's making me nervous, too. We're going to have a weekend thing where shannon and I take turns scening with her, and I have utterly no idea what I want to do with her. I'm not sure it really matters what i do with her. Even though shannon says it's not the case, it certainly looks like she's only going to be scening with me because it would make shannon happy. She won't tell me what she wants out of a scene with me, which is possibly because she doesn't want anything out of a scene with me. What Shannon says about it is that her entire sexuality is wrapped up in the whole "make me" mentality, and so him making her scene with me is justifying her own desire to do so. *sigh* i'm going to have to trust Shannon's judgment on this one. otherwise, there's absolutely no reason I'd want to participate in this scene. I still have no idea i'll do. Maybe I'll hug her and send her downstairs to play with Shannon some more. It probably wouldn't be much of a disappointment. ___________________ I know, i know, i'm whining, "Nobody likes me, wah, wah, wah!" I'm indulging in a bit of self-pity, because it's tough to be in a relationship with someone where they are the popular one and they're almost always right about everything. But I refuse to go out and ask people to be my friend, because then I'll be even more of a pathetic loser than I am. Bleah. I might as well take up pottery or something. The social life thing just ain't going to happen for me. |