February 12th; hope costs too much

Sounds: mix tape Words: Glen Cook, The Black Company loose change and a key go ahead, ask me if I care I've got the answer here I wrote it down I've just gotta find it somebody in here got too close spray paint got too heavy now look at me made ugly by the drooling letters I was better off alone but ain't just that the way it is they don't know the first thing but you don't know that till they take the first swing my fingers are red and swollen from the cold i'm getting bold in my old age so try the door it doesn't matter any more I know we are weak-hearted and strong-willed I know we are being kept alive until we are killed he is up there and the ice is clinking in his glass he sends me little pieces of paper I don't ask I just empty my pockets and wait

Okay. this morning. What am i feeling this morning? I'm feeling better than I was last night. I think I've finally convinced myself that in order to keep sane, I need to give up my hope of taking advantage of this open-relationship thing, and that's okay. i can be happy with shannon, and if he needs to go play with other people, that's fine, but I don't really need to. If some girl happens to me someday, I'll be pleasantly surprised, and I won't have spent the intervening time hoping and wanting and setting up unrealistic expectations. There. Much better, Kris. This whole want business just isn't good for you. I still don't know what I'm going to do about Ryan. I'll think of something, I suppose. You know, it's a lot easier to just not care about these things. I mean, i thought caring was the way to go, but it's obviously a lot more trouble than it's worth. i'll continue to work on my relationship with Shannon, and I'll probably spend a lot of time at work, and that'll be enough for me. I don't really need a busy social life or a lot of friends to be happy. And, yeah, I know it'll hurt knowing that not a lot of people actually like me out of conjunction with shannon, but I've made my choices and i can't back out now. Shannon likes me, and his friends tolerate my presence for the most part, and that's enough.

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